Millennials: A Lovesong, An Epitaph, & An Objective List of Demographic Qualifications
58 Things Only True Millennials Experienced- Tamagotchi. Limewire. Not having ICE child concentration camps. #throwback
As a generation that has viciously murdered more industries than any before us in history, millennials have long been a source of contention. Due to our seemingly insurmountable ability to desiccate every capitalist institution that dares cross our path, our exploits make headlines without end.
Each morning I rise from my bed, set my feet on the cool hardwood floors of my rented apartment, descend the stairs, and seat myself upon my chaise lounge, inhaling the aroma of my freshly brewed coffee, sipping it slowly. I then prepare my morning sustenance — without a napkin.
In between bites of avocado toast, I pause to stare out the window, listening to the birds sing the sweet song of morning, contemplating which industry I will kill today.
The exploits of my generation and I have been well-publicized at every turn, garnering widespread media attention.
Like the Mongols, our ranks swell all over the world, dismantling empires, leaving the corpses of capitalist industries in our wake. There is no industry safe from our murderous touch.
Despite these achievements of mass brutality, “millennial” is basically a synonym for “slumlord”, “change”, “moral decay”, or “lazy bum without redemption”. (Some of us are really not helping our case.)
Millennials? Lexical Contention
While the “millennial” is a well-established cultural archetype, the literal demographic definition is more amorphous and contentious. Who are we? Who’s technically a millennial and who’s not?
Since the dawn of “yeet”, innumerable other lexical travesties, and some of your old stoner friends actually buying houses, while millennial might be a synonym for “degenerate”, it is no longer a synonym for “young”.
So what defines a millennial? Who counts, and who doesn’t? If you’re 26 but make $70,000 at Capital One and own a bidet, are you…