I Just Want To Sign Up For A Credit Card That Isn’t Going to Fund An Oil Pipeline

“Cash if you die. Cash if you don’t.”

Image: NPR

I just want to sign up for a credit card. Just one. But my search for the least-terrible bank has become an educational exercise in honestly hilarious levels of corruption.

I hate the concept of credit cards (so, you’re rewarded for spending, and the whole point is to spend money you don’t have?), and I think they sound like a total capitalist scam. To be honest, they definitely are. But I am 26 years old, and I have been told repeatedly that I should probably be “building my credit.” Because I have zero credit right now. Not bad credit, just, nonexistent credit. In the eyes of banks, I technically don’t exist. Which has so far been great, because I don’t want their stupid capitalist points. But apparently, in some complete and total scam, leasing agents do?

So I’m going for it. I’m finally getting a credit card. Or at least I was going to.

I am conducting an ongoing, highly-intensive research project to find the Very Best credit card. Every credit card review I find breaks down the “pros and cons” of fees, money-back deals, rewards, and other fake capitalist traps. But I don’t care about these things. I don’t care about these things. I just want to pay my tuition, and…