A Complete List of Coronavirus Puns That Were Funny At First But Aren’t Anymore

Bad, but still better than the Republican Party

Alice C. Minium

--

You know it’s bad when that’s my go-to.

Courtesy of Tease/Daily Beast

Welcome to Alice Minium, Incorporated. We know things are hard right now, but are you really satisfied with your car insurance? You’re already alone and we bought this ad space in advance, fuck it.

How to be funny when life is a buzzkill? Philosophers have pondered this since the earliest epochs of history, when life was mostly a buzzkill because of death, dying, tyrannical governments and stuff. Now it has actually been pretty sweet for a while, and we are just now realizing this. We crashed our Lamborghini and it’s actually not cool to travel pedestrian. I can’t even ride a bus, because the drivers are on strike for some whole “Pay us more if we’re gonna die” thing. It’s honestly not the time to make unrealistic demands, you guys.

It turns out we did not actually have car insurance. So is this like, what poor people do? Worry about money and suffer inadequate healthcare, get told to succumb to the “inevitability” of death and dying due to ineffective government? This kind of sucks. Why would anyone do this to Americans like me? Where are my social programs? I never believed in gutting state safety nets. That’s for freeloaders who should have just tried not to be poor.

I’m not trying to be poor? It’s weird, it just happened to me. ME. I am white with spending power, pay attention. This is unprecedented. Unprecedented. Unprecedented. How could we have stopped this? No one knows. That’s why it’s called unprecedented.

See, this has never happened before in all of time, except for most of history and most of time, and except for all the time, but then it’s to poor people. You’re not on the right track, baby, you were born this way. Don’t be a drag, be a queen, be X Æ A-12 and have you thought about reading some literature? Have you seen Earthlings? You don’t qualify for SNAP benefits, but I thought I’d let you know.

Scroll down for the….. title sequence.

I don’t want to see your tears, I never did. And I certainly don’t want to debate with you. I’m suffering right now. I’m…

--

--

Alice C. Minium

Richmond-based writer, investigative researcher, and police abolitionist. Contact me at alice@openoversightva.org.